Happy Birthday Dad!!

So I am sneaking onto Dad's blog just fifteen minutes before his big day: Arthur Wayne Sudan is turning 54!!! In honor of his birthday my siblings and I (due to our involvement in the blog world) are each writing a post to our dad for the world to see. So from here on out this blog is to you, dad...





Some of my favorite memories come from our family hiking trips through the years, which in part is why I am so excited about the Cascades! However, when I think about particular hiking trips one stands out among the others-- the summer after my senior year of highschool when you and I went on a hike by ourselves in Estes Park, Colorado. I don't even know if you will remember this particular part of the hike, but it has always stood out significantly to me...





When we were half way up the mountain we started to see snow on the ground (it was June in Colorado..to be expected) and as we increased in elevation, naturally the snow began to get deeper and cover the ground. I was trying so hard that hike to be tough and rough out whatever conditions came so that you would be so proud of me. I was never one of the better hikers of the family. But at this point in the hike my history of altitude sickness caught up with me and I started to feel sick and a little weak, but I didn't want to show it. The ground floor was completely covered with snow as we progressed on the trail and it was getting waist deep. You had been on this trail several years before and chose it for us because you remembered the breathe-taking lake and view that was the bowl of the mountain. When the snow was getting waist deep you knew that we were so close to the top it wouldnt make sense for us to turn around, so we pushed through. And it is at this point where my memory stands:





You didn't want me to step into a creek or anything that would permit me to fall through the snow, so you found a small enough boulder for me to sit on as you navigated the path to our final destination. And it was from that boulder that God spoke so tenderly to me. He said "Mary Beth, look at your father. This is who I am to you." (I am not sure if that was the first time I heard God, but it was definately one of the first times.) I looked at you, dad, and I saw you moving slowly from the boulder through the trees, further into the distance without ever losing sight of me. And once you had the path laid out you walked back to me, stepping into the same holes you had made so that you could be with me and guide me while I literally stepped in your footsteps so that I wouldn't stumble and fall.





Dad, that trip was such a healing time for us, and I am so so grateful for that opportunity. We got to see God do some amazing things! It was on that trip that you taught me how to use a single lens reflex camera! (which I am obviously thankful for) But I want you to know how much you mean to me. That picture God was showing me was so special because I have an earthly father who loves me in such a beautiful way- rooted from the love you have for our heavenly Father. You support me in so many areas of my life, you speak truth to me, humble me, teach me and most of all you love me. I know you aren't perfect, but you are the best I could ever ask for.





I love you, Dad! Happy Birthday...God is going to do amazing things this year, I hope you can feel it too!!

Marybeth, 445

Saturday in the Park

In August my family and I are going to Washington state to the northern Cascades for a family trip of hiking and whitewater rafting. So in order to get Luana physically ready for the strenuous hiking, we are doing some training in Cameron Park. This week we hiked for two hours in 95+ degree heat along the Highlander trail and others. We had a great time and it is really amazing to have such a treat within our city limits. Luana did great and is motivated to be ready.

Weakness

As a guy this is certainly not something that I would normally write about, but it is what God has been putting on my heart lately, so I will throw it out there for all to read. In II Cor. 12:9 Paul says that God's power is made perfect in weakness. We all have heard this and memorized it but I for one never really took it to heart. In fact I have spent all of my life trying to show that I was not weak (probably something in my childhood - but we will not go there). I never really felt like I had to be the best, and I rarely was (except for my 12 year old year in little league), but I strove mightily to prove that I was good. And for most of my life by the grace of God, I have been good at most everything I put my mind to do. So where did that leave me? Doing a good job in my own power but missing out on the full power of God.

So God decided that I needed a little help to understand this principle. Out of the blue, He took away my pride in my good health and blessed me with coronary artery disease - and not just one vessel treated with a stent, but with full blown disease treated with a sextuple (that means six) bypass. But I was still slow to convince and I have spent the last 14 weeks trying to get over the surgery quickly, get back in shape faster than anyone else and prove that I was not really weak or sick or ill - just a minor little setback. The word for weakness in the Greek is asthenia which means weak, sick or wasting away. For those of you 20 somethings you would have no clue about this and for those 80 somethings you know it all too well, but for those of us in our 50s we are learning more and more as to what that means. We are all wasting away, little by little whether we realize it or not and our strength is but a fantasy that can be taken away in a heartbeat. So it looks like I have got this figured out and have learned what I was supposed to do. Think again. I now know what the problem is but am still not sure how this all works out in daily life.
Since I have been so slow in learning, God in His mercy has decided I need more lessons. Because I spent all of my energy after the surgery trying to get well physically, I never really dealt with the grieving and emotional aspects of all of this. I just toughed it up and moved on - after all I did not want to be seen as weak. I was so narcissistic in my thinking that I did not work on relationships well and many of them have suffered. Well now I am emotionally and mentally exhausted and on the verge of depression. I have finally admitted defeat and realize that I am weak and need help. This has not been easy for me, but I felt like I needed to get it down on "paper" for others to see before I try to trick myself again. So if you get a chance pray for me and if you have any thoughts on the subject let me know for I desperately want to learn.

Gaps

One of my favorite things to hear when I am in England is the automated voice that comes on in the subway when you get on or off. It says "mind the gap" meaning to watch out for the space or gap between the platform and the train. Well lately I feel like there have been some gaps in my life. These are gaps between what I understand theologically in my mind and what I feel/believe in my heart. The first of these is really realizing the depth of my own depravity. Part of it is that I have always been a "good" kid and never really got in trouble or disobeyed my parents. That is not to say that I did not do anything wrong but I was always the one the other kids hated and the other parents loved. The teachers loved me too. The point of all of this is that I have always been able to find lots of people that I am better than. And when I compare myself to them, I feel pretty good about myself and feel that God ought to feel pretty good about me as well. But that is not reality, the Bible does not teach that and when I am compared to God then I fall way short. So I have this in my mind but not my heart and I need to bridge that gap. For as Jesus said " He who is forgiven little loves little". I do not want to be one who loves little but one who loves extravagantly.
The second gap is somewhat similar. It is that I do not fully comprehend the depth of God's love for me. Part of that relates to the idea above where I somehow feel like God should love me because I am a pretty good guy. That is so unbiblical, but I am being honest with you and bareing my soul. I think that if I really understood in my heart how much He loved me, then my worship would be different. My responding to Him in praise and thanksgiving would be different. I would have a greater desire to share the love of God with others. My priorities would shift and I would find my satisfaction in Him alone. Paul prays for his church plants that they know the depth of God's love (Rom. 8 and Eph. 1) because he knows how important it is. And so it is that I pray it for me and you should probably pray it for yourself and the ones you love, to "mind the gap".

Texas Jewel

This saturday I went with my brother-in-law down to Brazos Bend State Park. It is a little known treasure down near the coast. We took our cameras (Bruce let me borrow one of his big monster lenses) and did a photo safari. There is a lot of wildlife, especially water fowl, and a lot of alligators. You don't expect to see them in Texas. It was hot but we had some great pics and some great fellowship.

Trust

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." This has always been one of my favorite passages of Scripture, but in all honesty it has also been one of the most difficult for me to follow. It has been my M.O. to try to maintain control of my life and all situations. Fortunately that has worked well most of my life (at least for me - those around me may not feel the same), but I feel like I have missed some direction from God and some blessings because of this. Then with my surgery, I completely lost control of my life and I was forced to re-examine my way of doing things.
The other day I was driving back from the lakehouse with my mother who is now very confused. She was not sure where she was or what was going to happen to her and after answering many questions, I finally said that she just needs to trust me. Her response was "What else can I do?" It really got me to thinking that that was what God is trying to say to us. He just wants us to trust Him. There are times when we do not know where He is leading and events in our life just do not make sense. At that point we just need to trust Him. But for me the bigger problem is that I don't realize that I am confused. I go through life trying to control it and thinking that I know where I am going, while in reality I am lost. The first step in trusting is to realize you are confused. We often call this humility. We all need a good dose of it.
When I asked my mother if she thought she could trust me, she responded that she knew me and that I was trustworthy. In the same way we can trust God because we know His character. We know that He is good and that He is powerful, and therefore He can take care of us and do what He says He will do. And that is the gist of it. We have to admit that we do not know it all and turn to One who does. Of course trust is earned and it starts out small and grows as the One we trust shows His trustworthiness. I have a lot to learn in this area. But if God can speak through a donkey, surely He can speak through a confused old lady. We just need to be listening.

Jars Of Clay

Since my bypass surgery I have been trying to determine what God wants to teach me through this. The thing that keeps popping up is the passage in II Cor. 4:4-12 where Paul talks about holding a treasure in jars of clay. Let me see if I can communicate what God has been teaching me through this.
The first thing that he mentions is this treasure that we as believers have but nonbelievers do not have as they are blinded. This treasure is His light shining in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. In other words, because we have Christ in us and we have seen Him through the Gospel writers, we can truly see and understand a glimpse of the glory of God. In fact we have that glory shinning through our hearts to others. A city set on a hill cannot be hid and we want our light to so shine forth. In Heb. 1:3 we also see that Jesus is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of His being. That is the treasure we have and it is a beautiful thing.
But here is the hooker. We do not have this treasure in a golden vase. Rather we have it in jars of clay. That seems so preposterous, but so it always is with God. Why would this be? In verse 7 he says that it is to show that this incredible power (God's glory) is from God and not from us. He does not want us or others to be distracted by the vessel. It is simply that - a vessel.
What are the characteristics of jars of clay? First of all they are common, used by common people and not for great show. Secondly, they are frail and easily broken. Thirdly, they are cheap and can be easily discarded. But they are useful for the task of holding things and then pouring it out when needed.
So what is it that God is trying to teach me/us through this? The first thing is that our bodies are like clay. They are very fragile and break down. I used to think my body was like a steel canister and was very proud of how healthy I was and what great shape I was in. Well that has all been thrown out the window. Secondly, we really have nothing to boast about - we are just humble, common everyday vessels. Thirdly, we cannot allow our broken bodies to affect the inner man and our ability to hold the treasure. In fact God is more glorified when we offer our broken bodies to Him for service than when we try to do thing in our own power and energy. And lastly, the treasure was not meant to be hidden or stored but to be shared, poured out, shinning forth and bubbling over. So when I see my broken down body, I am not to mourn or get depressed. That is exactly where God wants me. He needed to humble me. I have always said that we can either humble our selves or God will humble us. He did me in a big way and hopefully when I look back I can be truly thankful.