Weakness

As a guy this is certainly not something that I would normally write about, but it is what God has been putting on my heart lately, so I will throw it out there for all to read. In II Cor. 12:9 Paul says that God's power is made perfect in weakness. We all have heard this and memorized it but I for one never really took it to heart. In fact I have spent all of my life trying to show that I was not weak (probably something in my childhood - but we will not go there). I never really felt like I had to be the best, and I rarely was (except for my 12 year old year in little league), but I strove mightily to prove that I was good. And for most of my life by the grace of God, I have been good at most everything I put my mind to do. So where did that leave me? Doing a good job in my own power but missing out on the full power of God.

So God decided that I needed a little help to understand this principle. Out of the blue, He took away my pride in my good health and blessed me with coronary artery disease - and not just one vessel treated with a stent, but with full blown disease treated with a sextuple (that means six) bypass. But I was still slow to convince and I have spent the last 14 weeks trying to get over the surgery quickly, get back in shape faster than anyone else and prove that I was not really weak or sick or ill - just a minor little setback. The word for weakness in the Greek is asthenia which means weak, sick or wasting away. For those of you 20 somethings you would have no clue about this and for those 80 somethings you know it all too well, but for those of us in our 50s we are learning more and more as to what that means. We are all wasting away, little by little whether we realize it or not and our strength is but a fantasy that can be taken away in a heartbeat. So it looks like I have got this figured out and have learned what I was supposed to do. Think again. I now know what the problem is but am still not sure how this all works out in daily life.
Since I have been so slow in learning, God in His mercy has decided I need more lessons. Because I spent all of my energy after the surgery trying to get well physically, I never really dealt with the grieving and emotional aspects of all of this. I just toughed it up and moved on - after all I did not want to be seen as weak. I was so narcissistic in my thinking that I did not work on relationships well and many of them have suffered. Well now I am emotionally and mentally exhausted and on the verge of depression. I have finally admitted defeat and realize that I am weak and need help. This has not been easy for me, but I felt like I needed to get it down on "paper" for others to see before I try to trick myself again. So if you get a chance pray for me and if you have any thoughts on the subject let me know for I desperately want to learn.